When I was a very young child, five or six years old, I think, I was sexually molested by a man in our church. When I say, “in our church” I mean this actually happened in the physical church building by a member of the church, after the morning service in one of the Sunday school rooms, believe it or not.
Sadly, predators are everywhere.
Now, because this happened in the church, I’ve always struggled with forgiveness, even though it is a central tenet of Christianity. Every time forgiveness was preached, I would think of this man and tune out. When I would read Bible verses like today’s, I would skim over them and assure myself that I had forgiven the people in my life who deserved it.
But God confronts me even now. Did I deserve the forgiveness God offered me? He gave it anyway. And continues to give it.
Do I really have to forgive my molester?
The answer is yes.
My molester was revealed when he abused another young girl in our church. (I feel guilty about this. If I had spoken up, perhaps it would have stopped with me.) She was bolder than I. He was briefly excommunicated. Yes, briefly. Apparently he repented. Said he’d changed. Wanted to attend church again. So the church members decided to forgive him and allow him to return.
Thankfully by that time I had grown and gone away to college. But I remember clearly one summer when I came home, I was with friends at a local baseball game. This man walked up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and asked for my forgiveness. I shrugged disgustedly out of his touch, and mumbled my forgiveness. I think I said, “Ok.” And that’s it.
I felt that because he touched me when he said this, he didn’t really get it. He still didn’t “deserve” forgiveness. I don’t think I have forgiven him still.
Forgiveness is hard. But God did it for me. And He does it for worse things than this man did.
Does forgiveness mean I have to like this man or agree to be around him or not grimace when I see him? I don’t know. What is the loving thing to do?
Fortunately I live on the other side of the country now. And perhaps he’s dead, who knows? I say I have forgiven him. But I’ve chosen avoidance because I don’t have answers to those other questions.
Dear God,
Thank you for your forgiveness. It is so generous and sorely needed. Please give me the ability to truly forgive this man who spoiled my innocence so long ago. Thank you that I no longer have to see him or think about him. You alone know his heart. If he hasn’t changed, please prevent him from damaging anyone else. If he has changed, thank you for the work you did in his life.
CamDevo 